Ramblings of a Struggling Stepmom . . .

I figured since it has been a while since I bared my heart and soul to you, today was a good day for such things, especially with the smog settling into the valley!

From day one, almost, I had an instant connection with Haylee . . . we have had a strong relationship that has grown through hours of one-on-one talks, laughing and crying, date nights and other activities. On one occasion about a year ago she made a comment about me not being a mom. It kinda hurt my feelings, I realize I have not given birth to any children, but I treat Haylee and Autumn as I would my own kids, and therefore consider myself a mom . . .of sorts. Jody told Haylee she hurt my feelings and Haylee cried and cried and told me how sorry she was and she would never say something like that to hurt my feelings etc. We all cried and moved on Never again has she said ANYTHING like that. She tells me often how much I mean to her, and how she is closer to me that her real mom etc.

Autumn has been much the opposite!!! It is REAL WORK building a relationship with her. I try EVERYTHING!!!!! I have tried putting cute little notes in her bag, and she hated it. I have tried talking to her and she clams up and gets bored. I have tried spending quality time with her and she doesn't really seem to enjoy it more than for passing the time. I have tried buying and giving her special little things and she barely acknowledges them. Knowing that these girls are not my own flesh and blood, I give all of me to build a relationship with them, and when there is no progress almost a year later, it gets tiresome.

Whats worse are little comments made that pierce my heart in the most tender of places. Things like "She is not my mom, I don't have to listen to her", "the cat is your only child, because Haylee and I are not your kids", "I am not her daughter, I am dad's daughter" and "I miss having Maxine (her grandma) as my mom". Again, I know that "technically" I am not her mom (nor have my intentions ever been to replace their real moms), but all but about 2 days of the month, I am her only mom figure. I have talked to Autumn about all of these comments and told her how bad they hurt my feelings . . . she usually has no response, not an "I'm sorry" or anything (that is until Jody talks to her, then she cries and apologizes).

I have no doubt in my mind or heart that God has given me this role, and I take it seriously. But I do have to say it is the hardest thing I have ever done in my life. I do everything I can to not be the "evil step-mom", but somehow, I feel that Autumn views me as just that.

Please keep praying for us! Pray that I will know how to respond gracefully to hurtful comments. Pray that Autumn's heart would soften and she would let a relationship between us grow. My ultimate goal with both girls is to be a godly example of what it is to be a Christian woman. To point them to the cross, to pray with and for them. To build a relationship that is not bound by this world . . . one filled with trust, love, laughter and tears.

Serving Him . . .on my knees,
Jess

Oh, and HAPPY BIRTHDAY TEXAS!!!!!!!