She Saved My Life . . .

Every Wednesday morning I gather with a handful of other Realtors and industry leaders and we have "Mastermind", a time to talk about the local real estate market, and encourage and challenge each other to constantly make our business better.  We were challenged to keep a journal - something for our kids and grandkids (and at times even ourselves) to look back on and remember . . .  I love to keep journals while traveling on mission trips - but otherwise I am not really good at it.  The one thing I have (at times in the past) been good at, is blogging.  I know that I tried getting back up and going on this last year - but I failed, miserably.  I am REALLY going to try to stick this out.

Man, life has changed so much in the last 18 months.  Our family has gone through a rather painful transformation.  When Haylee started her 9th grade year, last year, she decided she didn't like the every other week schedule and she just wanted to live with her mom.  Heartbroken, we agreed to let her do this.  About 6 weeks in to the school year, Haylee decided to go back to the every other week schedule (I am not going to lie, I was elated).  Fast forward to April of this year, she again wanted to change her schedule to every other weekend and every Tuesday night at our house.  Again, we agreed (keep in mind, this is a very condensed version and a lot of behind the scenes "crap" was going on).

Fast forward again.  As Haylee began her high school year a couple of months ago - a mountain of tension was built in our home and relationship with Haylee.  As conservative Christians, Jody and I have some rules and expectations that are less than exciting for any teen in 2014.  Because Haylee's mom is more lenient, Haylee has had a very hard time respecting our rules (we are talking about friends, sleepovers and media, here).  Needless to say things have spiraled further.  Haylee is now not coming to our house at all (like ever - no weekends, no holidays, no weeknights) - did you hear my heart break right donw the center???  After several instances where Haylee wanted to do something and Jody said "no", he fought with Haylee and her mom, to no avail.  Jody and I were fighting, and our home was in complete uphevel - and so it was decided that Haylee would not be coming over to our house.  It was one of those things that something had to be done and we were at a loss - we didn't feel like there was a right choice - and any choice would be hard and wrong.

For those of you who have followed my writings and history with both girls, I made a point to really put myself out there and do everything I could to build a relationship with these girls.  I knew the task ahead would not be easy - but I did what I felt was right in trying.  After investing so much of me into Haylee, I am literally heartbroken.  The depth of pain is so foreign to me, that I have found myself teetering on the verge of running away (seriously getting in the car and driving one direction - never to return) and suicide.  I know this is brutal, desperate and dramatic, but I am just being honest.

But something kept me from going over the edge . . .

I am so thankful that about 7 weeks ago we got a wild hair.  Jody and I were in Petsmart and saw a puppy - we once again visited the idea of getting a dog.  Normally this feeling comes and goes in a day or two.  This time was different!  I found myself relentlessly searching for the right dog to add to our family.  One week later at 9pm we drove to pick up my life saver, Paisley Boogster.

This little girl has filled my life with so much joy.  When I walk in the house and she is so excited to see me, my heart warms.  Even after I get mad at her, she just wants to sit in my lap, play with me and follow me around the house.  Paisley has given me something to nurture, love and I truly believe she has saved my life.  I had gone to such a dark and depressing place and even with my seeking God, leaning in to Him, begging Him to help me, the laughs and joy I get from this little fur creature brought me out of a very deep pit.

I love this little dog so much!  She is a special little gift that God sent at just the right time!!!  Although things are still not easy (many tears are still being shed), I feel a sense of purpose - Paisley not only needs me, she wants me.  I learned something at a Bible study recently - a pain that hurts deep stems from a love that runs deep.  My love for Haylee runs through the marrow of my bones - I have chosen to love her for the last 8 years - not because I had to - but because I WANTED to!!  I pray that one day our relationship will come back around, we will look at this time, grow from it and love even deeper.  Until then, I will stay on my knees, praying protection over Haylee, praying she knows we love her and God desires her!!

Serving Him,
Jess